Microfiction Challenge: Take Two

[roina_arwen]

Because I’m stubborn, even though it doesn’t matter any more, I took the judges feedback and re-edited my piece. It is now 99 words. I do agree that it’s much stronger. But at the time, we only had 24 hours to write the original piece, so there’s that.

At any rate, here is the edited version.


Surrender

Eva had finally exhausted herself.

She sprawled on the bathroom floor in her pajamas. Eyes red and puffy, she had cried herself dry. Crumpled tissues littered the tiles like fluffy dandelions, and the box was empty.

She was empty.

Every month, the wait was the hardest. Again and again, their results were negative.

They had failed.

The doctors had failed.

Her body had failed.

Eva’s bruised and bloated abdomen attested to their efforts. They had tried so many times. She couldn’t go through this heartbreak again. It was exhausting.

She took a shaky breath, and stood.

They were done.

Comments

[erulissedances]

It's a stronger piece this time.

- Erulisse (one L)

[roina_arwen]

Thank you! Hey, at least I’m learning, lol.

[ofearthandstars]

I agree it is stronger.

I've been trying to take the advice to remove unnecessary words and phrases, but it's not always easy to get done within a deadline. Of course, a part of me slightly bristles, too, at the idea that the only way to nake something more impactful is through brevity, which is what I see from a lot of editors/writers. Is it just because the world has a shorter attention span now?

[roina_arwen]

It’s especially essential when you only have 100 words to work with to remove those words which add no value, like “that.” While I don’t think that brevity is always more impactful, it can be more of a punch, if you know what I mean? One of the three judges stated they liked my “Effective use of short sentences for impact.”

Perhaps the world does have a shorter attention span now? With all the “instant gratification” and tendency to multitask, who knows?

Thanks for reading!

[mollywheezy]

Wow. That was definitely impactful. And I can completely relate.